This week, my husband and I have confronted an issue I have long sought to avoid. The issue of our finances has always been a sore, dreadful subject. We have robbed Peter to pay Paul and never really been on a budget. We’ve been overdrawn, bankrupt and pressing on – moving right along – trying to make it work while digging a deeper hole to finally fall into.
Tuesday morning greeted us rudely with the culmination of years and years of poor choices and ignoring the problem. You see the problem has never been money – it is that we have never been in agreement about where we are with our money. And, to be completely honest I’ve made a lot of choices based on fear.
After a full day of grieving and getting discouraging news, I found myself repenting to God and my husband, looking for a way to work things out prayerfully and finding a solution that may benefit us long term. But, because of my choices, and to some extent Scott’s as well, there will be a price to be paid.
You see – I have a destiny to get to, a dream to be fulfilled, but this one thing that so rudely interrupted my life on Tuesday threatened to undo all of it. I knew I needed to unpack the issue with my husband for months. I even told him before Christmas I wanted to lay it all out for him after the first of the year. The more I considered doing that, the more fearful I became. After all, it is my mess and he would have to help me clean it up no doubt. The question, the lingering fear, remained. “What if he doesn’t want to be my husband anymore?”
Today as I spoke to a friend who is counseling me and keeping me accountable she helped me see this is the thing that is keeping me from moving to the next level. Painful and dreadful as it is that this had to come to light this week – I find myself so grateful for the revelation that has come as well.
After the first 24 hours passed, I now find myself thinking this is actually a bit of a relief. Having all this out there – on the table. Drawn into the light, I realize it is bad – it is what it is – but it is not as bad as I had imagined it. All locked up in the closet of my mind this monster of a mess grew bigger and bigger-more intimidating and fearful to me. I was so divided. I wanted desperately to unpack the issues and lay them bare. But, at the same time, I feared the outcome – the unknown. And felt paralyzed. I know God wanted me to move, but I could not find my way to do it. Life patterns and my flesh overruled my spirit at every turn.
That is until Tuesday… When I had the choice. COVER UP. PRETEND. DENY and PROJECT. Or come clean. Confess, repent and move ahead. You know God is often about the process and not just the results. As I have repented, confessed, and laid out what I’ve tried to keep hidden all these years – as I examined myself alongside it – God began to move on our behalf. He reduced the overwhelming to what seems possible and now probable. It is a timing and a patience thing. I am walking the path as one learning to accomplish, but I would not trade this moment for anything. It is a necessary and dreadful thing we do, but it is also the next step to the greatness I am destined to live in and so I press on.
In the last few days I realized God cannot redeem what I will not openly address and present to Him. He cannot work and move and restore until I seek His face and submit it to Him. Until I get real, take responsibility and allow Him to show me what needs to go of my flesh in order that more fully become who He created me to be.
I also have to step back, give up control and let Scott take the lead. I have not ever been in that situation before. So, now I have to release Scott to be who God created Him to be. And release my strangle-hold on my idea of how it should work. Scott and I have to work at negotiating the peace and unity needed in the coming months of work. Still, he is open and I am grateful. So grateful.
Then, after I get real and take responsibility – I have to be willing to accept the consequences and pay the price. In my heart – the answer is yes. But, in my mind I have long drawn out conversations and debates about what to do.
You know the lessons in this season are invaluable to my dream goals and my hopes for the future. Because in creating an atmosphere where your wildest dreams come true one must commit to these two things: 1.) They have to own their dream and take responsibility for the actions required to see that dream become a reality; and 2.) You have to be willing to pay the price. Take the risk and sacrifice until you see the thing bear fruit or God releases you from the burden. And in all these things remember, “God brings wealth and adds no sorrow to it.” – Proverbs 10:22.
His ways remain better and higher than my own. So grateful for confrontation, a loving God who cares deeply for us and a husband who lives so gracefully with me.